It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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