Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize