mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
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as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
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Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
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