Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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