My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
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I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
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No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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