I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
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I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
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If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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