I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
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Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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