my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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