he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
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Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
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Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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