Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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