You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
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He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
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FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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