i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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