It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
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