Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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