and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
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She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
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The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
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