today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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