Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
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I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
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I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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