got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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