Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
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So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
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Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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