the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
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You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
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I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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