Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
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I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
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If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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