so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
