i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
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