Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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