Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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