I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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