I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
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How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
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I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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