Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
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