Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
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You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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