Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
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Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
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What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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