don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
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I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
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BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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