Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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