these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
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Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
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Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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