Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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