I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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