paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
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Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
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Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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