i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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