my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize