I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
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I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
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P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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