Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
