forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
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