I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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