We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
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I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
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your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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