i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
this just has baby written all over it
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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