She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
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Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
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I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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