Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
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I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
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I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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