How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
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I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
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I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
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