Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
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