I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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