It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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