when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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